Introduction

People who drink too much are rarely lying about it in the way families assume.

That distinction matters and is where most families get stuck. The assumption is that a known quantity is deliberately concealed and that behind the vagueness is a precise figure the person is withholding.

Usually, there is not. The person has stopped counting some time ago to avoid knowing. When they say “two or three glasses,” they are not calculating and halving. They produce the number that has become true for them because the real number is not something they allow themselves to see directly.

Understanding this changes how you approach the conversation, which I will address later. First, what to actually look for

The behavior patterns, not the amounts

Volume is the least reliable indicator because it is what gets obscured. The patterns around drinking are much harder to hide.

Drinking before drinking

A glass at home before going out to dinner. A drink while getting ready. This is topping up to a baseline before entering a situation where consumption will be visible and therefore constrained. It is one of the most reliable early signs, and it is often explained as “just relaxing before we go.”

Distress about supply

Not about being drunk but about running out. Noticeable tension if there is no wine in the house, a detour to buy more when there is already enough, agitation when a restaurant does not serve alcohol. Someone with an untroubled relationship to drinking does not see its absence as a threat.

Rigidity around timing

The drink at six o’clock that cannot be moved. Irritability if dinner is late and delays the first glass. Clock-watching is the tell.

Changed pace in company

Finishing the first drink noticeably faster than everyone else, then slowing to match the room. The first one is doing a job, while the rest are social.

Volunteering for the drink-adjacent tasks

Fetching everyone’s refills, opening the wine, and going to the shop. Each of these creates unobserved moments.

Vagueness that is oddly specific.

“I had a couple with dinner.” Never “I had three glasses of red between seven and nine.” Precision has quietly vanished from the vocabulary.

The physical signs

These arrive later than the behavioral ones, and by the time they are obvious, the pattern is usually well established.

  • Morning shaking, particularly in the hands, settles after the first drink or after breakfast. This is an early withdrawal, and it is a significant clinical sign.
  • Sweating disproportionately to the temperature, especially at night.
  • Sleep that has broken down. Falling asleep quickly because alcohol is sedating, then waking at three or four in the morning and not returning to sleep. This is a consistent physiological marker and is often dismissed.
  • Facial changes, persistent flushing, broken capillaries across the cheeks and nose, puffiness around the eyes.
  • Weight changes in either direction. Alcohol carries substantial calories, but heavy drinkers often stop eating properly.
  • Morning nausea is often described as a stomach problem.
  • Deteriorating self-care in someone previously meticulous about it.

The signs families notice last

These hide in plain sight because they are attributed to stress, work, or age.

Personality flattening.

Not dramatic mood swings but a narrowing. Less interest, humour, and engagement. A gradual withdrawal from things they used to care about. Families often describe this in retrospect as “he just became less himself” and date it years before the drinking problem.

Defensiveness disproportionate to the question.

You ask a neutral question about the evening and get a response calibrated for an accusation. That gap between question and response is diagnostic. It means the person is already defending internally and continuously against a charge no one has made aloud.

Social reorganization.

Friendships quietly shift toward people who drink similarly. Invitations without alcohol are declined for plausible reasons. Family events become harder to schedule.

The disappearing evidence problem.

Recycling that does not add up. Bottles in the car. Alcohol in places with no reason to have it—the garage, a work bag, a bedside drawer. Finding hidden alcohol is significant and worth understanding. Hiding it shows the person knows the quantity is not defensible. They have made that judgment themselves. That is not a small thing.

Chronic low-grade financial vagueness.

Spending that does not reconcile with someone who was previously organized about money.

What this does not tell you

A caution, because I have seen this go wrong in both directions.
None of these signs alone is proof. Sleep breaks down for many reasons. People become flat and withdrawn because they are depressed, burnt out, or grieving. Defensiveness has many causes.
What matters is the cluster and the trajectory. Several of these together worsening over months, in someone whose relationship to alcohol has visibly changed, is a pattern worth taking seriously.
There is a real risk in the opposite direction as well. Families sometimes conduct months of surveillance, assemble a case, and wait until they have enough evidence to win an argument. That approach almost never produces the outcome they want because it turns the conversation into a prosecution, and people defend against prosecutions.

Why “functioning” is the most dangerous word here

The phrase “functioning alcoholic” delays more treatment than almost anything else in this field.
It is used to mean: things are not that bad, because the job is intact, the mortgage is paid, and nothing has collapsed. And it is used as a reason to wait.
But function is not a measure of severity. It is a measure of how much scaffolding a person has, a supportive partner, a tolerant employer, a financial buffer, and competence built up over the years. Two people with identical physical dependence can look completely different on the outside, purely based on how much scaffolding they have available.
Which means “functioning” refers to the scaffolding, not to the drinking. And scaffolding does not hold indefinitely. In my experience, it tends to fail suddenly rather than gradually the job, the marriage and the health frequently go within a fairly short window, after years of apparent stability.
The people who wait for rock bottom are waiting for the scaffolding to collapse. It is a poor plan and expensive.

What actually helps and what does not

I will write about the conversation itself in more detail separately, but three things are worth saying now.

Do not open with the evidence.

Presenting a documented case produces a defense, not a disclosure. The person’s most practiced skill by this point is managing exactly this conversation.

Speak about what you have observed in them, not about the alcohol.

“You seem exhausted and further away than you used to be, and I miss you” is far harder to deflect than “you’re drinking too much.” The first invites a response. The second requires a defense.
Expect denial the first time, and do not treat it as failure.
The first conversation is rarely the one that produces change. It plants something. The third or fourth conversation, months later, is often where the shift happens, and it only happens if the first one did not end the relationship.

When it is urgent rather than concerning

Some situations do not allow for a slow approach. Seek medical advice promptly if you observe
  • Shaking, sweating, or agitation in the mornings that resolves with a drink indicates physical dependence, and it means stopping suddenly and unsupervised could be dangerous
  • Any seizure
  • Confusion, disorientation or hallucinations
  • Vomiting blood, or black stools
  • Yellowing of the skin or eyes
  • Any expression of wanting to die
That first point deserves emphasis, because it is counterintuitive. Where physical dependence has developed, the person cannot simply stop on their own. Abrupt alcohol withdrawal can cause seizures and, in severe cases, can be fatal. If your family member is physically dependent, the safe path involves a doctor, not willpower and a locked drinks cabinet.

Where to go from here

If you have recognized your family member in a substantial part of this, the most useful next step is not a confrontation. It is getting properly informed about what you are actually dealing with, including whether physical dependence is present, because that determines everything about what happens next.
At Recovery From Home, we work with families as well as with the person drinking, and it is frequently the family who makes contact first. That is a legitimate reason to call. You do not need the person’s permission to ask for guidance about your own situation.
You can reach us on 069 624 3110 or at info@recoveryfromhome.co.za
One last thing, because it is the part families most need to hear. Living with this is exhausting, and it distorts your judgment in ways that are difficult to see from the inside: the vigilance, the managing, the constant recalibration of what counts as normal. Whatever happens with the person you are worried about, your own support is not a secondary concern. It is part of the same problem.
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This article is general information and not medical advice. Alcohol withdrawal can be life-threatening in physically dependent individuals; consult a doctor before anyone stops drinking abruptly.